Doctor Depp

So, Johnny Depp apparently to play Doctor Who in an upcoming movie? Are we okay with this? Well, like a prison brothel, it has its pros and cons. Here they are.

Pro: He can act.  This is an advantage for actors, albeit one who in recent years, seems to have been less useful in landing a leading-man role in Hollywood than having (arguably) a perfectly defined face.

Con: He’s an American.  This shouldn’t matter – he’s got a perfectly good English accent, as he has demonstrated on a number of occasions – but various hyperventilating weirdo’s will clog up half the internet telling us why it’s not acceptable. Until we develop technology which will be able to filter the internet’s continuous whining out, Depp’s nationality is a problem for everyone.

Pro: He’s excellent at the quirky, oddball, ethereal characters.  Edward Scissorhands, the Mad Hatter, Willy Wonka – all not-quite-sane, not-quite-human creatures, with an air of vulnerability that could be very interesting in the Doctor.

Con: They’re all sort of the same quirky, oddball, ethereal characters.And have a tendency to run together in the mind somewhat. It will be a problem if you’re watching him clamber into the Tardis and wonder why it isn’t a glass elevator. It will also limit the possibilities for the different aliens he can meet if there is a big sign up in the designers’ office saying “Must not look like an Oompah-Loompah”.

Pro: He’s very beautiful. What? What? Can’t I appreciate male beauty? It’s true you know. He’s a ‘gleaming cut-glass beauty’. It’ll bring in female fans to Doctor Who like never before.

Con: He’s not really meant to be beautiful. Yes, this Matt Smith chap is quite good-looking in a bony-faced sort of way, but since a significant minority of Doctor Who fans are overweight men in their middle forties who work in IT and have Monster Munch crumbs on their T-shirts, the producers probably don’t want to alienate their core audience by making the star too intimidating. The geeks have to be able to fantasise about sleeping with Amy Pond – it’s going to make life much harder if Johnny’s beautiful visage keeps reminding them of their inadequacies. 

Pro: It’ll bring Doctor Who into the Hollywood mainstream. More money! Better special effects! The Doctor will finally “break America”! It’ll all be brilliant.

Con: It’ll bring Doctor Who into the Hollywood mainstream. Jarring, tacked-on love interests! Loss of all traces of wit or self-awareness! The Doctor as ghastly action hero! It’ll be completely appalling.

So – has that cleared everything up for you? Excellent, glad I could help.